Frame of Mind

You don't know what you need, because you know that what you need is inside of you.
No other can give you what it is, only you are able to give it to yourself.
You don't know what you need, but you know what you don't need.
You can feel it in a deep part of you, it screams "this isn't it".
You ignore it, but it gets louder.

Each passing hour it becomes more discontent, begging for what it needs.
Finally you break down asking what it needs, all it replies is "not this".
You can't ignore the screams, you have to get what you need.
Frantically you search, but always comes "not this".
You can't do it, you're going to break.

Absolutely nothing feels right in your life, everything and everyone is wrong for you.
It wrenches inside of you, tearing a hole through your soul.
You feel life suddenly leaving, forgetting you exist.
You gasp for help, reaching to anything.
"Not this", "not this".

You can't do it anymore, you're going to explode and nothing will be left of you.
"Not this", "not this".
You've fallen to your knees, begging it to answer what it needs.
"Not this", "not this".
You try to get angry, you have to feel something, anything.
"Not this", "not this".

You lay dying, nothing left to keep going, defeated by yourself.
"Not this", "not this".
 You remember, in the past, how you lived.
"Not this", "not this", "I need that".

You drag yourself to that old place, it's dusty, but it's safe.
You see remnants, what you needed, but not anymore.
You go to the unopened door, there always is one, always.
You enter, finally peace, you begin to stand up,
Those long forgotten words shake your mind and body "thank you".

You see yourself, your mind, your soul.
It's broken, twisted, injured.
It isn't right, you can see it, something is off.
You grab ahold of yourself, and it takes you a step to the left, not allowing its feet to follow.



Confidently and Honestly,
D.

TL; DR: Sometimes freedom is simply a change in perspectives a way.

Liar Liar Pants on Fire

I’m a terrible human being. Oh well.

Okay, so thinking it about it retrospectively, I guess the third grade was a good year for me. Maybe good is a strong word. It was an eventful year.

First girlfriend √

First kiss √

First time stealing √ (a sweater from our school’s lost and found box)

First “fight” √

First time lying to the point that somebody gets suspended √

What? Just me?

Okay, in my defense, I was young, dumb and didn’t know about morals yet.

I can’t exactly remember what happened that made this whole thing start, but one day I just didn’t feel like going to school, I guess. So, as the school bus came, I hid behind this green electrical box. The bus just drove on by. Now, not knowing my parent’s schedule, I guess I just assumed that my parents left RIGHT as me and my sister went out for school, because I was extremely surprised when I got back to my house and my mom was still home.

As a relatively nice and rule abiding child who never skipped school ever, meeting my mother’s gaze was extremely terrifying. I just didn’t know the consequences of doing such a terrible thing. So when she asked me why I didn’t go on the bus, instead of saying something practical like… Oh, I don’t know… I missed the bus or it never came… I said the following: I’m scared, I’m being bullied on the bus.

When I realized she was home, it’s like time stopped. And all the options went through my head, and that seemed like the most logical. I answered in maybe 10 seconds.

In my mind, this whole thing played out very smoothly. My mother would acknowledge this ‘horrible situation’, let me have a day off school and that would be it.

No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no.

My mother jumped on that shit so fast. She wanted to make sure that I got avenged for the months of being bullied, I suppose. The next day, she drove me to school where we talked to the principal… Now, normal people would have given up here and told the truth. But I was way too stubborn for that. I knew that what I said to the principal had to be my official story. So I told him how, when where and why these two kids were harassing me in the bus.

This lead to them being summoned to the principal’s office. Next to me. As I lied about them bullying me.

They looked at me like I was a complete idiot. They weren’t wrong.

The whole situation lead to their parents getting informed that they have been bullying a kid in a bus, and one of the two kids got suspended for three days.

Needless to say… Those two didn’t talk to me much after that. Not that they really did in the first place… but you know.

That’s life, I guess.

You live, you lie, and you die.

Sincerely and wholeheartedly,

K.

TL; DR: Got a kid suspended for imaginary bullying.

Brakes can't stop me

I haven't posted anything in about a week. Here is part of the story about why. I would like to start off by apologizing for leaving you bored and unsatisfied, but worry not I am back to satiate your boredom.

My girlfriend and I decided to drive down to California to see her family for thanksgiving. For those of you who don't know, this requires driving over some mountains. Now the Siskiyous mountains are hardly difficult to drive through. There's some up and there's some down, as long as your brakes work no problem.

However, brakes were in fact my problem. I'd noticed that I had to brake harder than usual to stop my car and keep it stopped so I wanted to get them checked our before driving 1,000 miles. I take my car over a mechanic recommended to me by my room-mate. He has a look at my brakes and says that there's fluid on them indicating a small leak and that I need to replace my rear brake cylinders. He gives me a quote for $300, I can't afford this.

Now, I know next to nothing about cars, so I ask him how urgent it is that I take care of this as I'm driving to California the next day. He says just get it fixed in the next few months but that he wouldn't drive over the mountains before taking care of it. Unfortunately this is right around closing time so there's no way he can get to it that day. He wouldn't be able to get to it until Wednesday and I need it done by Tuesday morning. So I run over to good ol' Les Schwab before they close and ask them if they'd be able to get it done by mid morning. They say yes and for only $200,I have an appointment for 9 am.

Things are good, I continue about getting ready to go and take my car in when the time comes. The man says they'll pull it in right away, excellent. My girlfriend and I go to the store to buy some food so we don't have to stop too much while driving. I go back to see how the car is coming along around 10:15 and they haven't even pulled my car into the bay yet. Great we aren't gonna get to her parent's until midnight. I talk to the guy and he apologizes and I watch them pull it into the bay.

A short time passes and he comes back and says that they found nothing wrong with my brakes or brake cylinders but they'll do one more check since I did notice the braking issue. It's probable that I'll just need them to flush and fill my brake fluid and that it'll be fifty dollars. Wonderful, things are getting better. Ten minutes later he says the rear brakes just need an adjustment and that I am good to go for twenty dollars.

My brakes felt much better after that and I was feeling good about it. Fast forward to driving down the mountains. We're coming up to a corner that says 45 MPH, the cars in front of me are slowing down for the curve so I press on my brake pedal. And believe it or not, the car slows down beautifully.

Confidently and Honestly,

D.

TL; DR: Got a $20 brake job just before driving over mountains and they didn't stop me.