First Girlfriend

     In response to my friend’s third grade crush, I’d like to take this post to talk about my first girlfriend in the same grade.

     Life was not a complicated one for me in 2003. School was really easy, friends came flying, I was the best at hacky sack in my school and I single-handedly started the “puffing on pine trees and pretend it makes you high” movement, which later translated to a school-wide ban on breaking pine tree branches off. I know, I was a bad ass.

     I mainly hung out with two other friends at the time, and all three of us got girlfriends in about a week or two span from each other. It was really weird, but it worked out because everyone was friends that way. Another oddity was that we each got our girlfriend a different way. One got asked out by his girlfriend, the other asked his and then there was me. I was a relatively shy human at the time, I would have never had the courage to ask a girl out unless I really REALLY knew she liked me.

     Recess time, everybody’s playing. Me and my friends are playing soccer, I believe, and in comes my soon-to-be girlfriend’s best friend yelling “K. K. She likes you! She likes you!” Me, not knowing how to take it simply smiled and they quickly ran away. I talked with my two buddies about it and they gave me the confidence to go for it.

     Recess is now over, and I’m sitting right next to her in class. The conversation basically goes as such:

“So, that was why you liked sitting next to me, hm?”

“Yes” she said, shyly

“Well, I really like you too… Do you want to go out with me?”

“Sure”.

     That conversation makes your loins burn of intensity, does it not? Well, that relationship lasted relatively long for a third grade relationship. I remember getting her a flower, a card with a bunch of little sticker hearts on it and I wrote her a poem, all for Valentine’s Day.  The poem was such a hit that one of my friend’s girlfriends was jealous and he asked me to write one for her. And I totally did. And she fucking loved it. Now, another thing I got her before it all ended was a simple teddy bear that I got for her birthday, of which I was the only guy invited, which she still has to this day! Or at least, she did the last time I spoke to her like… 4 years ago.

     Our girlfriend-boyfriend’ness ended for a ridiculously stupid reason. I was too shy to hold her hand. Can you believe it? I mean, it obviously didn't matter, it was third grade, but how dumb of me to not just suck it up.

    Cut to 2014, she’s a singer and a model, I believe. What can I say? I know how to pick ‘em.

     Sincerely and wholeheartedly,

     K.

TL; DR: Do enough hacky sack and smoke some pine trees as a child and you’ll get all the babes, guaranteed.